Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
