Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
