and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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