don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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