The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
