I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
