I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
