I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
