you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
