we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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