sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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