Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
