Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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