Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
