Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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