I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
