You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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