I will die if light touches me.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
