I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
