Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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