Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
