How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
