Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
