Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
