Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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