Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize