Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
