Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My ATM looks so different sober.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
