And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
