Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
