Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
