life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
