??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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