I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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