there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
