I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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