She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
