Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
