The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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