So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
