Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
