I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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