Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
