If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
