I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
