OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm passing your future prison.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
