how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
