this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
