Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
