just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
