census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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