Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
