pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
