I just pynch a tree in the face
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
