so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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